Chaotic
by Nicluv1787
Summary: A collection of Oneshots written for the livejournal community Koinuchaos, because of the nature of the comm the stories have no other place to fit as they are chaotic. ADULT CONTENT WARNING, ADULTS ONLY. #7. A Toad is A Toad
1. Sexy Suprises

**Title: Sexy Surprises  
Author: Nicluv1787  
Rating: m  
Characters/Pairings: Miroku and Sango, Kagome and Inuyasha make an appearance.  
Genre: Comedy  
Word Count: 900  
Summary: Miroku has a surprise for Sango**

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* * *

  
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Grasping the bark of the tree tightly Miroku looked both ways before scuttling along to the next tree. Inspecting the surround area for any possible interlopers, he glanced over his shoulder a final time before sinking to the ground at the base of the tree.

Finally satisfied he was alone Miroku cautiously reached into his robes, his hands shaking with excitement. He extracted a bright red stocking trimmed with faux white fur the stocking was full and oddly shaped. Miroku greedily stripped the stocking of its contents tossing the stocking aside carelessly. In his hands he held a small paper bound book, staring at its cover with hungry eyes Miroku scanned it only momentarily before violently opening it, he flipped through the pages like an eager child with a new toy.

The surrounding forest was silent punctuated by his occasional comments, "Of course," "I've done that," "never done that" and "I'd like to do that." After a while Miroku's paced steadied and his over eager attitude wore off, transforming into a more studious approach to the book.

Turning a page Miroku paused, he glared at the page, his brows furrowed, his mouth turned down at the corners.

"What the..." he mumbled. He turned the book length wise nodded, smiled and then continued.

He read for several more minutes in silence, with a few excited chuckles and more than a few lecherous smirks. He was nearly halfway through the paperback book when he paused. A triumphant smiled pulled at his lips.

"Sexy surprises huh?" he mumbled under his breath, he read the section several times slowly before a devilish grin played upon his features. He scooped up the discarded stocking and placed it and the book back into his robe before heading back to the village, he had a plan.

O.O.O.O.O

The day was nearly half over and Sango hadn't seen Miroku since mid-day of the previous day. Shortly after Kagome had passed out their Christmas stockings with gifts from her time, Miroku had disappeared. Concerned he had gotten into trouble Sango had been patrolling the village, after several hours of searching she was still unable to locate him and she was growing concerned for an entirely different reason. '_I swear if I find him flirting with village girls."_

Her murderous thoughts were cut short when she heard her name called out.

"Sango there you are." Miroku hailed her, running up he looked exceptional haggard heavy purple bags hung beneath his eyes and Sango noticed his fingers were bandaged as he waved at her.

"Where have you been Houshi?" Sango said irritated, though she was relieved to find him unharmed or deserving harm.

"My deepest apologies my lady Sango, I've been working on a present just for you." Miroku said eagerly.

"You got me a present?" The taijiya couldn't help the blush that graced her cheeks. "Where is it?" she said after realizing he wasn't holding any obvious present.

"Right here." Miroku said grinning as he revealed the bright red Christmas stocking hiding beneath a fold of his robe.

Sango was momentarily baffled at how closely Miroku held the festive object to his body but the moment passed. "What is it?" Sango said elatedly.

"Reach in and find out." Miroku said barely suppressing a snicker.

The taijiya reached into the stocking impatiently. Her hand was greeted by a long warm shaft; baffled Sango gripped the thick shaft, '_What is this?' _She wondered. She stroked it up in down, and the shaft twitched in response, a small groan escape from Miroku's lips at the same time. It was then that realization dawned on her. She turned a murderous gaze on the houshi whom she held with a firm grip.

Catching her glare Miroku tried to escape stammering. "S-Sango I can explain."

O.O.O.O.O.O

A few feet away Inuyasha and Kagome were enjoying a leisurely lunch in Keade's hut, when a loud crash caught the pair's attention, ending their relaxation.

"What was that?" Inuyasha said jumping to attention Tetesaiga in hand.

"I don't know, I thought I heard Miroku." Kagome said as Inuyasha rushed out the door.

A few feet away they found a man sized crater with Sango straddling it, her Hiraikotsu posed above her head ready for another strike.

"What are you doing?" Inuyasha shouted, tearing Sango's focus from killing the monk.

"That-that- **Pervert!" **Sango shouted her body shaking with rage, Kagome rushed to her side lowering her arms.

"What did that lecher do now?" Inuyasha said aggravated, he sheathed Tetesaiga.

"He-he-he" Sango gulped her face turning bright red, "he tricked me into grabbing a hold of his 'staff'

"His staff?" Kagome said confused.

"Where the hell did you get an idea like that?" Inuyasha said coming to crouch near Miroku's crater.

"I read it in the book Kagome gave me." He mumbled his mouth half full of dirt.

"Wench, what kind of book did you give him?" Inuyasha said rounding on Kagome.

"It was just a sex tips book," Kagome said finally up to speed. "I skimmed it, and I don't remember anything about _that." _

Inuyasha raised an intrigued brow; he would have to ask more about that later. "Take Sango back to Keade's hut, I'll deal with the lecher."

Inuyasha waited until the girls were out of ear shot before squatting down beside the flattened monk.

"So, was it worth it?"

"Totally worth it." Miroku said with a lecherous grin.

A/N: Inspired by one of my favorite holiday songs, 'My Dick in a Box' by Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg. If you haven't seen it you can see it here. .com/watch?v=dsR5K61xUlo&feature=PlayList&p=EFE777177A25EA63&index=0


	2. Grandpa's Hobby

Title: Grandpa's Hobby

Author: Nicluv1787  
Rating: M

Genre: Humor

Prompt: Grandpa, Ice  
Pairings or Characters: Grandpa and Mrs. Higurashi  
Word count: 298

Warnings: Crack!ish

Summary: the elderly priest needs something more than artifacts to fill his long days.

Mrs. Higurashi sighed as she handed the heavy laden ice-pack over to her father in law.

"Tell me again how you managed to run into a tree branch on your walk through the park?" she said sternly.

Grandpa cleared his throat dramatically, "I saw an extremely rare, sapling. Whose lineage dates back centuries to the Endo period…"

By the glazed over look in Mrs. Higurashi's eyes he could tell she'd stopped listening.

The real story behind his impressive shiner was much more thrilling, but not one he was inclined to share with his daughter in law.

Part of his story was true; he was taking a walk through the neighborhood park but not for completely benign reasons. As his age crept up on him he found himself with a penchant for voyeurism, he found pleasure in watching the young woman; their lithe bodies glistening with sweat as they jogged passed him on his park bench.

Today, riding high on cold medicine and half a Viagra pill grandpa had decided to move up from casual watcher to active peeper. The local park had a YMCA, where the lovely young woman changed. Creeping up slowly as a mouse, he climbed up a convenient nearby stump. He had just barely pressed his nose up against the fogging glass, taking in the sight of willowy young legs when he realized the flat plane of the abdomen trailed up to even flatter pectoral muscles. He was peeping in the men's changing room. Horrified, he tried get away but tangled himself up in his robes instead; in his struggle for freedom he punched himself in the eye. A purple shiner was his take away prize.

Easing the chilled ice pack to his eye, grandpa muttered under his breath.

"Should read signs before I peek."


	3. Super Sweet Sixteen

Title: Super Sweet Sixteen

Author: Nicluv1787  
Rating: Pg-13

Prompt: coming of age  
Character: Shiori  
Word count:

Warnings: OOC, Crack!fic

* * *

Super Sweet Sixteen Youkai edition, giving you the inside look at how spoiled rich youkai's celebrate their coming of age. How you may ask? In style of course.

This week we meet Shiori, and even though she's a Hanyou, (half bat youkai), don't tell her that, because she's got all the attitude of a full blooded youkai when it comes to what she wants for her special birthday celebration.

The camera pans across an expansive ballroom, a young looking girl with platinum hair, tanned skin and bright violet eyes stamps her foot impatiently as she talks on a cell phone.

"Well did you get him or not?"

She pauses listening to the other line.

"Money isn't an issue; my daddy is willing to pay whatever it costs." She shouts into the cellular phone. "Just get him." She throws the phone across the ballroom floor with an impressive clatter.

"Shiori!" her mother makes a lame attempt, (and too late) at disciplining her out of control child.

"What!" she screams at her mother.  
Her mother nods in the direction of the camera crew, before whispering, "Super sweet sixteen is here."

"OH" Shiori says with sugary sweetness, turning towards the camera. "Thanks so much for choosing me to be on super sweet sixteen, youkai edition. I won't be like those other spoiled brats that demand crazy things and expect unreasonable things." Shiori said to the camera.

A woman carrying fabrics walked up to Shiori, "Shiori ma'am these are the samples for your dress."

Shiori holds the fabric up to her face before throwing them down dramatically.

"This is not what I asked for at **all**, are you **stupid**? I want **white** silk with **red** hexagonal pattern this is **ivory** with **crimson**, fix it now or I'll have my daddy suck out your blood."

The woman visibly pales mumbling yes ma'am under her breath before scurrying away.

"Well let me tell you more about my party." Shiori said leading the camera crew away.

*****

Hours of party planning and tantrums later it's the night of Shiori's party, violet streamers hang from the ceiling punctuated by balloon bouquets of black and ivory. The guests mill about as they wait for the guest of honors grand entrance. The music ceases and all eyes turn to the main entrance, two bat youkai in coat tails open the double doors as Shiori steps through, wearing a ball gown of white and red sweeping hexagonal pattern, on her arm is none other than the western lord, Sesshomaru, but not in his usual regal attire rather he wears a fluffy dog costume.

With any angry glare he turns to the camera, "This Sesshomaru is not pleased."


	4. Geezers

Title: Geezers

Author: Nicluv1787  
Rating: Pg-13

Prompt: don't take those clothes off  
Character: Totosai  
Word count:497

Warnings: Crack!fic

Summary: Totosai and a strip club a crack match made in heaven.

A/N: Count your blessing there wasn't more words for this prompt, or I would of gone off into some places I never should go.

* * *

Who knew what they'd been expecting when they walked into the establishment called geezers, maybe they thought it was just the catchy name of some hip night club, or even a funny play on words. Whatever the reason they didn't expect to see what they were seeing.

It was obviously a strip club, from the lighted cat walk and stripper pole in the center. Inuyasha, Kouga and Miroku took a seat at the end of the catwalk, each wondering why they would name a strip club 'geezers'.

"Welcome to geezers, out next dancer coming to the stage goes by 'Totosai the sword-smith'." The D.J announced.

To their great horror a man older than dirt hobbled onto the stage, gyrating his hips, or some sick mockery of gyration, to the music, running skeletal hands up and down his frail body. The three disappointed patrons had to hold back their bile. As the bony hands began to slip off a shoulder of his Kimono to reveal his bony shoulder, all they could think was '_don't take those clothes off'_

Swinging his hips to the music Totosai gyrated in Inuyasha's direction. He slammed his hands down on the table before rushing out, quickly followed by his companions. As they exited the club sounds of their retching followed after them.

A Flea demon jumped out from the D. J. booth to rest on Totosai's shoulder, "I guess we have to come to grips my friend, the cougar theory doesn't work for men."


	5. One Night Stand

Title: One Night Stand

Author: Nicluv1787  
Rating: R

Prompt: Kaede, Saucy Flirt

Characters: Kaede and Inuyasha

Words: 1121

Summary: Just looking for a mindless…

Warnings: Language, if that bothers you. And all the other good stuff you'd expect.

A/N: I don't know _WHY _I keep putting these two together but I do.

* * *

She wore black patent leather boots up to the thigh, a tight mini skirt that barely covered the apex of her thighs, and a red halter-top that covered little, and left even less to the imagination. Her chestnut colored hair gleamed in the dim light hanging around her shoulders unadorned. She had a black eye patch over one eye that gave her a wild and dangerous look. Fresh off a break up, she was just Inuyasha was looking for. From the way she moved on the dance floor, Inuyasha could tell she was there for the same reason as him; a mindless fuck.

Their eyes met across the dance floor, he motioned with his head for her to come over. She gave him a wry smile and sauntered over in his direction. She walked past him to lean on the bar, exposing what little was yet to be exposed of her body. She flagged down the bar tender to order a drink. Inuyasha unabashedly admired her body, her firm back, the trail of her spine that ended in perfectly formed rear. This was not one he could let get away.

She slid off the bar when the bartender handed her drink –whisky sour- He thought, if she fucked like she looked and acted he might have to keep her for longer than one night. She noticed his admiring glance and met his gaze as she stood up straight.

"See something you like?" She said in a sultry tone, eyes raking up and down his chiseled form.

"Maybe," he replied coolly.

"Hmm," she smiled and motioned to walk away, but he caught her by the wrist.

"Let me buy you a drink," he said.

"I have one," she said holding up the drink, but he could see he'd caught her interest.

"The next one," he replied smoothly.

She gave him a crooked smile, taking a seat on the bar stool next to him, making sure to flash him what little her skirt didn't cover up.

"What's your name," he said moving in close to her. His body pressed against her thigh.

"Kaede."

"Maple, pretty," He grabbed a strand of chestnut hair twirling it absently; his free hand caressing her shoulder, then down her arm.

"Thanks," she murmured.

"No problem," he said blowing onto the flesh of her neck.

Kaede, lifted a red painted finger nail, and dragged it across the inside of Inuyasha's arm.

"So are you going to ask me back to your place or what?"

Inuyasha quirked a brow, "Forward, I like that in a woman."

"Take me home and I'll show you exactly how forward I am."

A chill of suspense ran down his spine. This night was looking up all the time. He took her hand and led her out of the bar.

* * *

It was a race to get home to his place; while in the car Kaede had taken control, unbuttoning his pants and giving him a preview of what was in store, stroking and teasing at his shaft keeping him wanting more, and getting him harder than he'd ever been before. By the time they got to his front door, her legs were wrapped around his chest, and their mouths smashed together in a hungry need. They tumbled through the front door and into the bedroom.

With a need of urgency they shed their clothes, skirt and pants dropped to the floor, followed by a hungry kiss, shirts shed, a lick, a taste, underwear cast aside, a tease of a nipple.

Soon she had him flat on his back riding his cock like a season veteran. Her rounded breasts bounced as she ground onto his shaft. He took a handful of each teasing and tweaking at them. Her screams of pleasure filled the air mixed with the sounds of his own pleasured grunts. Too soon he was shooting his cum into her awaiting mouth, where she licked up the contents and begged him for more. Three more rounds and they were down for the count collapsing into one another's arms.

Inuyasha woke the next morning, feeling languid and more satisfied than he'd ever been with his former relationships. The pressure on his arm told him she'd yet to leave, and he wondered if she'd be up for round five. Moving to cup her body with his own, his hands trailed along the outside of the covers. Only they were a little lumpier than he would have thought they should've been. He shook it off, creeping his hand up the covers to cup her breast and gave those peaks a little tweak. Only they seemed a little larger and looser than the night before. Once again he shrugged it off to miss information, during the heat of passion. Her head was still covered and he rolled down the blanket, exposing silvery hair. Now that wasn't right. Realization seemed to dawn on him that this wasn't the woman from the night before. A gravelly sigh escaped her throat a she rolled over. And there lying in his bed, was a woman who looked just like the woman from the night before, only thirty years older. The eye patch was the same and some where beneath the wrinkles he could see the face that had been begging for his cum.

Briefly he considered gnawing off his own arm to get away. Could he have been that drunk? Was it possible to be that drunk? To mistake this woman, for the woman he remembered the night before.

She stirred and her single eye opened. He stared at her in unabashed wide eyed shock. She sat up in bed, naked in all her wrinkly glory.

"What the fuck is going on?" Inuyasha said in disbelief, having scuttled to the edge of the bed, once his arm was free.

Kaede looked down at her aged physique and shrugged her shoulders.

"You weren't supposed to see me without my concealment, but I guess the cat's out of the bag. Once a month I go out to a bar meet a guy and fool around, in disguise," she said matter-of-factly. Inuyasha was struck mute, he couldn't think of a coherent sentence. He was dumbfounded by this woman, who could be his grandmother, was the woman he'd had sex with four times the night before?

Kaede stood and dressed, and put on a ring that changed her back into the hot brunette from the night before. Inuyasha stood back in shock and watched her as she sauntered over to him. She grabbed him by the chin and kissed him passionately. "Thanks for the goodtime," She said with a wink and sauntered out the door.

Inuyasha, watched her go, not entirely sure what to make of it. If he hadn't taken off that concealment she'd been the perfect woman. He paused pensive for a moment.

"Hey Kaede wait!" He called, chasing after her. On second thought, He figured he could work around the age difference.


	6. Doctor, Doctor

Title: Doctor, Doctor.

Author: Nicluv1787  
Rating: R

Prompt: Suikotsu, playing doctor.

Characters: Kikyo and Suikotsu

Words: 499

Summary: Kikyo has a problem that only a doctor can solve.

Warning: This does breech Dr. Patient relations if that bugs don't read.

* * *

Kikyo sat on a cold metal table of her gynecologist's office. The paper gown they had given her did little in the way of warmth, and the air sent cold shivers through her body. She was wondering how much longer the doctor would make her wait when there was a little tapping at the door. A handsome doctor with spiked black hair came in. He looked her up and down as he walked in.

"Hello Ms. Hidaka, what brings you here today?"

"Well doctor, it's a little personal but… I've been having a hard time orgasming."

"I see," he said, sitting on a stool he slid in close to Kikyo's barely covered form. She could feel his breath on her thighs, "And how long has this been a problem?"

Kikyo crossed her arms over her chest pushing her breasts up displaying ample cleavage, "for a few months now."

"Hmm," the Doctor said tapping his chin, "Well why don't I have a look."

Kikyo positioned herself in the stirrups displaying her womanly attributes to the doctor. The doctor pumped up his chair for a better view.

"Very nice," he said.

"Excuse me?" Kikyo said a little confused.

"Nothing, everything looks good to me," The doctor replied.

"That's a relief, but why can't I orgasm?"

"I'm not sure. I'll have to run some tests, would you mind?"

"Not at all…" Kikyo trailed off.

"Good, I'm going to try and stimulate you."

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"Just wait and see."

Reaching forward the doctor traced the outside of her folds, Kikyo squirmed slightly but otherwise stayed still, he circled around before pressing his thumb to her clit. Kikyo made no move of protest and he continued moving in slow methodic circles. After a few moments, he could see it was taking affect as her wetting folds dripped on to his hand.

"Ms. Hidaka, I'm going to try something a little more drastic."

"Whatever you think doctor," Kikyo replied.

The doctor leaned in, with a flick of the tongue he teased at the puffy clit, Kikyo squirmed beneath him, a small mewl escape her lips. Confident he was making progress he swirled it around his tongue, her juices dripping into his mouth in a most satisfying way. She bucked to meet his greedy mouth. He worked for several minutes with no results. It was then he knew he'd have to take the most drastic measures.

"Ms. Hidaka, there is one last thing I'd like to try."

"Of course," she said breathlessly.

Dropping his pants, the doctor freed his erect cock. Kikyo stared at it with unabashed, hungry, eyes. He brought it to her slick folds, and thrust into her. She moaned with pleasure, as he thrust into her over and over, until finally she reached a shuttering release. The doctor collapsed on top her, and Kikyo wound her fingers into his hair.

"Suikotsu honey, I love it when we roll play as doctor and patient."

He kissed her brow, "Me too."


	7. A Toad is a Toad

Title: A Toad is a Toad

Author: Nicluv1787  
Rating: M

Genre: Crack

CU/AU: CU (suuure *shifty eyes*)

Prompt: Itch

Characters: Jaken & Inuyasha

Words: 198

Summary: Jaken is irritated with Inuyasha.

A/N: I apologize for nothing! Won First Place at Koinuchaos on Livejournal

Thump, thump, thump. Jaken turned angry yellow eyes to the _hanyou_ who was currently scratching himself in a most dog like fashion.

"Would you quit that infernal scratching!" he squawked.

Inuyasha halted his clawed foot mid scratch, "I'll do what I please, you damn toad."

"I will have you know I am a Kappa and former general at that. I will not be talked down to by a lowly _hanyou._"

Inuyasha narrowed golden eyes at the kappa, "a toad is a toad to me."

"Why you insolent beast." Jaken stomped across the clearing to shoving a twisted green finger into Inuyasha's chest, "you…" he paused, "have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." He swooned.

Inuyasha tilted his head to the side, like a confused puppy, "and I never realized how glistening and green your skin is."

Jaken raised a tentative frog like hand to cup Inuyasha's cheek, "Your lips…"

"Your beak," Inuyasha added.

They leaned in ready to…

"Okay stop there!" Shippou demanded.

Miroku looked down at the kit in amusement, "what seems to be the problem?"

"That can't be how it happens!"

"Indeed it is," Miroku nodded sagely.

"There's no way that's how baby are made!"


End file.
